Losing one’s identity: the reason why break-up is hard
Note:
Although I am going to mention “the dude” here, this writing has very little to do with him. I am writing this just to celebrate myself gaining a new perspective on things. It is more about my personal growth without any intention to discredit anyone. We’re all humans and we made mistakes, but growth happens only when you can learn from them. And if any of you think that I am just looking for attention then each to their own. I am just trying to heal myself, and writing is one of the ways.
Anyone who has been through break-up(s) will definitely agree with me: break-up is hard. It doesn’t even matter whether the relationship was short-term or long, both can be equally painful.
Following a break-up, we will eventually come to the point where we realise that the relationship was not good and it is not going to work. Still, even with that kind of realisation, it is difficult to let go. Some of us (including me) will even try to hold on to things that weren’t actually there.
The question is, why?
Being in a relationship with someone is like forming a new identity. You were single before, then you started dating and you became someone’s partner. People would start to recognise you that way as well. It had become your new social status.
Breaking-up means that you have to let go of that identity. You have to let go of that social status or even lose some parts of your social circles. You have to let go of what used to be.
And I know it’s not as easy as being said.
Mind you, I even now work in a place where the owner knows both of us. The dude used to work for her years back and that was actually how she got to know me. And since she hasn’t known what happened yet, every now and then she would ask:
“How is he doing?”
“Does he come to visit you in town often?”
“How is he with his new job?”
(To which I would respond with short answers and try to stir the conversation.)
Of course, it bothers me when people ask that kind of question. It’s like being reminded of one thing that you are trying hard to forget.
But, then I ask myself.
Why should I let my past define me?
Why should I narrow down my identity to just being someone’s ex-girlfriend?
Yes, my past is a part of me and I know it helped to shape who I am now.
I have to say this to myself as frequent as I can: I am not just someone’s ex.
I am much more than that.
(I guess that should be my new mantra. I’ve been telling this to myself in front of the mirror these days. Ugh, am I weird?)
This is when I realise that I have to re-establish my identity. Starting from making a mental list of:
- the things that I enjoy doing,
- the things that I want to do,
- the things that I dream of,
- the future that I want to create (excluding him of course!)
And most importantly: what my life is really about.
In one TEDTalk about heartbreak, a psychologist, Dr Guy Finch, said that when trying to cure a heartbreak, we have to stop thinking of that person as the main character in our life. We should just think of them as an extra, a cameo, a side-insignificant-role (although some people took a veeeery long time just for being an extra, 6-years and a half for example, like what the hell?!)
But, be it as it may, now I understand very much that healing from heartbreak is a very messy business.
Just remember, it is what you think of yourself and what you do about your life that matter.
Lots of love,
Rifka
